theundercovermom

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

HOME TRUTHS - A New Blog by Judy Epstein

THE REAL GAY MARRIAGE
There's been a lot of fuss lately about Gay Marriage, but I, for one, am looking forward to it. Speaking as someone who's been married to a man for many years, myself, I'm looking forward to seeing how a marriage composed exclusively of men solves the every-day problems that bedevil the rest of us. (Theoretically, this could apply to women, too, but we all know that we're not the problem.)
For example, I'd like to see what system two MEN devise for deciding who will be the partner to leave the cap off the toothpaste tube, and who will be the one to complain and put it back. Who will be the one to leave the smelly gym clothes wherever they land on the floor, and who the one to pick up and wash them? Will they decide by lottery? By drawing straws? By rotating every week/month/year? Because maybe, if they can come up with a system, the rest of us could adopt it.
I would like to see how a household of two men decides which of them will hear a ringing phone and do something about it - like answer it - versus which one will behave as if it were a cobra >hissing in the corner. Which will be the one to pass on the message "Oh, by the way, Visa called; they say if they don't get a payment in 24 hours, they're cutting us off" - a month after it's happened? Which will be the partner who remembers all the birthdays and events of both extended families, and which one will never remember his own anniversary?
I look forward to seeing how two men decide who takes the dishes into the kitchen after Thanksgiving dinner, versus who gets to stay at the table for coffee and dessert. And I'm dying to know -- which spouse will get control of the TV remote?
I suppose there's one argument they'll never have - they'll both leave the toilet seat up. Unless they acquire children, and at least one is a girl. She'll have to learn to fend for herself. I really hope they do have children. I can't wait to see how two MEN decide which partner has to get up in the middle of the night, and who gets to sleep through till morning. And that's just the beginning. Every working wife and mother in America will be waiting, with bated breath, to see how two MEN decide which is the parent who leaves work early to pick up a child who is throwing up at school! Or, which one will use their vacation time to attend teacher conferences, versus which one has the "important" job.
Yes, I welcome America's homosexuals to the ranks of us married folk. But they'll have to act fast, because who knows? If they insist on combining work with marriage and family, I predict that soon, they'll become NOsexuals, just like all the rest of us.
Judy Epstein has an award-winning humor column, "A Look On The Light Side," which is often but not always about mommy issues. Judy has a website at http://www.alookonthelightside.com/ and has won awards from the Press Club of Long Island 3 years in a row, last year in both 1st and 3rd place. In a prior life, she worked in Public Television for almost 20 years, including almost 10 with Bill Moyers. She's been on the radio, with positive reviews ("You sounded just like NPR!"), has begun hitting the speaking circuit and an essay she penned was recently published in Chicken Soup for the Soul in Menopause. ("It Starts with an M" on page 40.)

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

My Night with a Cheetah Girl

While working a red carpet event the other night, I was deep undercover. No one knew I was a mom with two kids waiting anxiously for me to come home and kiss them before they went to sleep. There I was, surrounded by models, fashionistas, television reporters and even the mayor and all I could think about was damn, this place is crowded and I hope I can zip out of here before I miss my eight o'clock train. And then, it happened. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a beautiful young girl who drew a striking resemblance to one of the Cheetah girls.
At first, I was too embarrassed to ask if it was really her, but then I nudged a friend who knows everything and anyone relating to the entertainment industry. She was skeptical since she rarely TiVo's the Disney Channel, but after some investigating, we received confirmation, it was indeed, Chu-chi - the cute Cheetah girl who manages to get the entire group to head to Spain and perform in an international music competition during last year's Cheetah-licious movie fest that I watched with my daughter about 150 times.
I shamelessly introduced myself to Chu-Chi (her name is actually Adrienne) and she couldn't have been sweeter. I told her my daughter was a huge fan and complemented her beautiful voice, she thanked me, smiled and I went back to work.
But then, the kiddy concert stalker in me reared its ugly head again. I stared into my brand new trendy Michael Kors bag (a gift I bought for myself for becoming a business owner), zipped open my carrying case and whipped out my iPhone. The coast was clear so I walked back over and asked if it was okay to take a picture of her for my daughter. And she was so sweet that she not only let me take the picture - she had her publicist take a picture of both of us! I then showed her a picture of my daughter, Adrienne told me how cute she was and I was literally beaming. I then wedged myself back into the crowd and struck up a nice conversation with Billy Joel's wife - man, I wish he were there too so I could have asked him to sing "Theme from an Italian Restaurant" - sure that would have been shameless - but hey, I already embarrassed myself with a Cheetah girl, why stop there?
I hung around a little while longer and as the crowd dissipated, I made my way out of the club and straight to the train - hoping my daughter would still be awake when I walked in the door. I even contemplated forcing her to wake up but kissed her head instead and then the next morning, I surprised her with my photo with the Cheetah Girl.
Becca of course looked at it and wailed - why wasn't I there? Can I see her? Does she want to meet me? As I thought about the prospect of attempting to scalp tickets and backstage passes to a Cheetah Girls concert, I printed out a very grainy photo of me and Chu-chi which Becca took with her to school and managed to impress all her friends. Now if I can only meet Zach Ephron, I'll officially wind up in the parent hall of fame!

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